conquest of the eye-splitter

Lucio Fulci, the man who gave us some of the best gore films of all time, brings one of the wildest little barbarian flicks to us, courtesy of a summer spent smoking crack.

Well, that’s my opinion, anyways.

Well, let’s take a look at it, shall we?

Well, Conquest is a surreal journey through a barbarian world which reminded me a whole lot of the awful Nymphoid Barbarian movie, except Conquest was good. There’s some neat costumes, some purely fetishistic make-up and these cute cavegirls ar REAL nymphos, not just pretend ones.

It’s pure class, no matter what those supposed reviewers have said. This movie just heaps stuff all over their heads and in calling this one bad they reveal themselves for the Wes Craving Ideas lovers they have become. And, on the topic of selling movie tickets, I’m sorry, people, but Gladiator isn’t a barbarian-style sword epic at all. It’s just trash, and not very good trash at that. Buy a vowel and solve the sentence.

Now, in this one, there’s no swords. Just a whole load of stone spears, rocks, and a nifty little bow which seems to never really need arrows. Our two heroes run about the place stealing meat off hapless passers by as our main man Max just doesn’t want to kill the animals himself out of some karma-kind of zen thing.

Meanwhile, wolfmen seem to be prowling the plains in search of young nubile virgins to feed their brains to their demonette who has one of the BEST costumes I’ve ever seen a demonette not wearing if you get my drift…

Did I mention the cavegirls? Well, I should, because they’ll boggle your mind if not your waistline. It’s just a pity they didn’t keep those cavegirls all the way through the film, but at least we had the demonette to gawk at when things got slow.

And, speaking of which, the demonette’s surreal dream-nightmare sequences were quite, umm, pretty.

And check out these fake birds, they’ll keep you rolling about the floor for hours. When you think you won’t find them funny anymore, just rewind to them again and prove yourself wrong.

There’s some patented Lucio blood-squirties, and if you thought he’d ever do a barbarian film without including the zombies groaning and clawing their way up through the marshes, you’d be caught with your pants down in a schoolgirl’s locker room by their butch physical education instructor, wouldn’t you?

Anyway, on with the review. After some more surreal wanderings and back-and-forthings in the plot, the magic bow returns to dispense its own brand of spikey justice into bellies, kneecaps, and groin areas. And, just when you thought everybody’s favourite barbarian had drowned, he proves what a real beastmaster can do with dolphins.

There is, of course, an interesting twist in the end, and I kind of liked this one. The bararian max (not the Mad Max kind of Max, just the ordinary kind of Max), goes and uses his powers of Jedi-type weopon-bringy and of course saves the day, but you knew that’d happen, didn’t you?

Well, what’s it got going for it? Well, there’s some real nice gratuitous all the way through here, and if you thought you couldn’t find cavegirls spunky when they’re covered in white mud-kind of make-up, then you’d better see this one. Also, the film is worth getting hold of for the demonette’s, umm, costume. Oh, and the wacky wolfmen are funny, too.

All in all, this is a weird Fulci film, and as such is a true collector’s dream. Sure, you can get hold of his better-known classics by now, but come on, you just have to see the barbarian movie Fulci had a go at. Sure, it’s no Deathstalker, but it IS a classic no matter what the neo-nerds say.

They’re just annoyed that Neve isn’t in it and Craving Ideas isn’t producing the sequel…

Tags: b-grade, couch of doom, movie reviews, review, the fulci move