philosophica majestus – chapter four

the morning of the second began without incident.

i simply rolled out of bed, rubbing the leftovers of a dream from my eyes and brushed my teeth in front of the mirror.

my alarm-radio continued to tell me that microsoft were currently invading the imac republic, and peace talks between microsoft and saudistan were underway with hopes for resuming the lucrative white slave industry once more.

i stumbled downstairs and pressed the button on my answering machine.

“hello, levi? levi, are you there? . . . well, okay. it’s bian here. just calling to let you know i can’t meet you for coffee this morning. can we make it for lunch, instead? i hope so. i’ll be there at about one. do you accept?”

i plucked a choc-chip biscuit from the tin and mumbled between crumbs, “ask me tomorrow.”

i heard her chuckle and she hung up.

there were no more messages.

i opened my hall closet and peeked inside at the magically-enhanced room. inside, was a small forest about three hundred metres in diameter.

in the centre, a small spring and a large oak tree took up much of the room. it was lit from an artificial sun-source, made from the remains of a meteorite which i superheated with a fire enchantment designed to simulate a typical day-night phase.

the fresh clean smell wafted into my hall.

“hello?” i called. “suni?”

the oak rippled and from the tree stepped a small woodnymph.

rare creatures on this world, i’d agreed to provide a small shelter for her until i could figure someplace else for her to stay. in the meantime she did small household chores and kept my indoor plants alive and well-nourished.

the fact that she was dressed in slivers of tree bark wound together with scraps of vine, and showed more than she covered both tickled my aesthetic side and enlarged my ego side.

like i said, i had a problem with arrogance.

“levi,” she smiled, slipping through dew-drenched grass.

how it rained in there was a mystery to me, but woodnymphs have their own magics.

“i’m just going to work. i don’t think you need to clean today. but if you get time, could you check my library? there seems to be a patch of mould in one corner. i don’t want it getting to the books. could you have a word with it, maybe?”

she clapped her hands together, happy to have something to do. i felt ashamed by her desire to please, but at the same time felt a bit eased by the fact that i found these little problems simply to keep her amused without letting her do any actual real work. left to her own devices, she’d cook, clean and worry my house to a state of pure order.

i don’t like order.

“i’ll be happy to talk with it, levi! will you be long? will you come and sit under my tree, soon?”

i promised i would and bid a hasty retreat as she stepped closer.

knowing woodnymphs quite well, i knew she knew what effect her nakedness had on us poor humans, and i wasn’t about to let her catch me.

like i said, woodnymphs have their own magics.

on the way to work, i was surprised to find that i missed bian’s presence on the bus.

instead i sat near a guy with a large blue tie and a set of fake teeth.

fake teeth were the fashion, lately, and came in a variety of colours and sizes. he’d chosen the standard business teeth, overlarge and glossy white. so white they gleamed in the morning sun.

too bright, i thought.

they were like fangs.

i’d seen a vampire, once, with fangs as shiny as these.

i shuddered a little when he sat next to, me and kept reading my bhutan travelguide.

“bhutan, huh?” he asked, too-cheerfully.

i frowned into the book, pretending to be absorbed by it. “yes. bhutan.”

“nice place.”

“um.”

“been there?”

“uh-uh.”

“i’m saving for it. hoping to buy a nice little cottage. convert it to a condo. something. i hear bhutan girls keep their hair short. that’s a surprise, isn’t it?” he gave me a nudge. “still, i reckon it’d make a change, huh? change’s as good as a holiday! huh?”

“um,” i said, thinking of bian.

why wasn’t she here?

where would she go?

at the cafe, i drank my morning coffee in relative quiet.

the waitress dropped an extra biscuit on my saucer. “she leave you, did she?”

“i’m sorry?”

“your girlfriend. did she leave you?”

i shrugged. “we’re just friends. we’re meeting for lunch instead.”

she gave me a sure sure look and wiped the other side of the table clean. “just in case,” she giggled, and left me to my coffee.

harv came in as soon as i put my bag down in my office.

“levi,” his hissed. “you still taking that arlington thing?”

i shrugged. “adele’s pretty determined, harvey. let her have her day in court, yes?”

“you haven’t heard, have you?”

“what’s that?”

“levi, look. i’m telling you this as a friend. you have to drop this mayflower woman. you have to! the arlingtons are resolving their feud as we speak! the high-judge is even considering suspending herbert’s sentence! he might get out in a few days, levi. you can’t afford to take this case.”

“i don’t know, harv. i really don’t think she’s that important to the arlingtons. what’s a few dollars tossed out to her? they have more money than they can count, and any amount that seems huge to adele will be but chickenfeed to the arlingtons.”

“it’s not the point, levi, and you know it. i don’t know why you’re persisting in this one, but i’m warning you it’s dangerous to meddle in the affairs of the arlingtons.”

“and it’s dangerous to meddle in the affairs of wizards, too,” i grinned. “or so i’ve heard.”

harv slumped in the chair opposite me, looking extremely deflated. “they sent a lawyer for me, levi.”

“for you? now, why would they do that?”

“you weren’t in. edina sent them to my office.”

“she’s referring my stragglers to you? i’ll have to tell her to stop that.”

“don’t do that, levi. without her, my kids would starve.”

“you don’t have any kids, harv.”

“well, okay. you got me there, but it’s the principle.”

“what did they want, harv?”

“they wanted you to drop the case. simple as that, they said. they were willing to settle out of court. possibly as high as a million. nothing more, though. they stressed that if the mayflower girl wants the million, she must sign an agreement to keep shut about it, first.”

“i’ll ask her. i don’t know if she’ll go for it, but maybe she will,” i shrugged, toying with a rubber band. i thought about bian. why would she cancel our breakfast? “who can tell what women want?”

harv grinned, somewhat ruefully. “not me, old mate. not me. i gave up trying.”

edina brought in some coffee. she left a few tiny marshmallows on my saucer.

harv pointed out that he hadn’t got any.

edina pointed out that he should be in his own office, where he had nothing but the premium chocolate biscuits and on the few times she’d gone to visit his secretary, all she handed out to her was a few leftover shortbreads.

“i don’t have stale shortbreads,” edina said, slipping out the door. “or i’d give you some mouldy crumbs, harv.”

harv sipped his coffee.

i stirred mine three times, muttering a protection rune. not that i didn’t trust edina, but there were ways to circumvent her minor magics. i didn’t trust anyone who’d try to do that, so always took the precaution.

better to be safe than dead, as they say.

“what’s that?” harv asked.

“nothing. just mumbling.”

“oh.”

he sipped again, wincing at the heat.

“how does she make it so hot?” he asked.

i smiled. “it’s magic.”

harv shuddered. “don’t say that, levi. it’s not funny.”

“what isn’t? magic? or saying edina witched your coffee?”

“both. look,” he put the coffee on my desk and didn’t touch it again. “the arlington lawyers asked me about you. and edina. they wanted to know if i knew of anything funny. you know, weird.”

“i don’t know, harv.”

i steepled my fingers and looked at him over them. i mouthed the incantation to summon all his courage into him.

the only weakness harv had was weakness, and it was taking all of my power to drag this story from him.

his eyes narrowed and he almost reached for his cup.

but his fingers curled back on themselves and he put his hands in his pockets.

“they think you might know someone who’s using magic to influence the arlington boy. herbert.”

“why, harv? why would they think that?”

“i don’t know, levi.”

a point between my eyes ached as i unleashed a particularly nasty counterspell, wiping free a spell of binding which had crept across his face as he spoke. a terrible effort. i hoped, in the long run, it would be worth it.

whoever had cast it on him knew what they were doing, and if they ever saw him again, they’d know it had been removed.

and the fact that harv was alive, and they hadn’t felt the removing, they’d know someone powerful had done the removing.

inwardly, i cringed from this boldness, wondering if those spells of courage had somehow rebounded onto me.

i hoped not.

“tell me, harv. why would they think that?”

“herbert’s been ill. apparently a rash has covered most of his body – small pimples which bleed. the arlingtons screamed magic. you know how they are. i heard one of the lawyers blame the mayflower girl,” he squeaked, his words coming out in a rush. “the other one who was with them, he told me to forget what i’d heard.” he looked puzzled. “ i only just remembered that bit.”

“what other one, harv?”

“the other one. he was there. look, levi, i can’t talk about it anymore, okay? i have to go,” he lunged out of his chair and turned to the door.

“harv!” i snapped, the word rolling out across the room. it took him by his collar and dragged him back into his chair.

he sweated.

waited.

and i watched him over my fingers.

the rubber band sat on the desk between us, curling up on itself as the magic crackled in the air.

“harv,” i whispered. “it’s okay to tell me. we’re friends, harv. you can trust me.”

harv whimpered. “forget, he said.”

“trust me, harv.”

i hated doing this trick to a friend. especially a weak friend who couldn’t resist.

but i had to know.

an old book i found in some ancient ruins of a city called new york, said that to conquer the world, one must know one’s enemy.

i had to know.

“tell me, harv. tell me who was there.”

“he was there! he was all dressed in red, and he chewed gum and smiled a lot. he had sharp teeth, levi. the sharpest teeth i’ve ever seen!”

i thought of the man on the bus.

no, i don’t think the sharp teeth levi saw were fake.

“anything else, harv? a name?”

“no name! forget!” harv arched in his chair.

“a name.”

“no!”

“a name, harv.”

“du’caramas! one of the lawyers called him du’caramas! that’s all! levi, i swear!”

“harv?”

he trembled in his chair, slumped against my desk.

i sighed, let my fingers part, and whispered a small word of power.

harv hadn’t taken long to condition after i first met him a few years ago.

at the time it had been a cold decision to condition him like this.

but now it grew harder and harder for me to maintain, mainly because i liked the guy despite his weakness. or, perhaps, because of them.

“harv?” i called, and he looked up at me. “forget about it, harv. it was nothing. just some lawyers, and they weren’t upset at you, they were threatening me. okay?”

his eyes glazed over.

“yes, levi.”

“what was that, harv?”

“i said, yes, levi. i understand.”

“good. now, maybe you should go back to your office. get your secretary to make you some coffee. coffee’s good for you, harv. it’ll make you feel a whole lot better.”

“coffee.”

“yes, harv. you’d like that?”

he stumbled to his feet and toward the door.

“oh, and harv?”

he turned, slightly.

“don’t look so stressed.”

he smiled at me. “i’m sorry, levi. i don’t know what came over me there. i guess those two lawyers rattled me. all this spooky arlington business. anyway, i told them i didn’t notice anything weird except you liked little marshmallows with your coffee,” he opened the door to step out. “i’ll catch you later, levi. i think i’ll go back and get my secretary to make me a coffee. no offence, but edina’s hardly an expert on coffee. on boiled swillwater, maybe.”

i let him go, and looked down at the fried rubber band.

i pressed the intercom. “edina? could you please order some more rubber bands? and how about we get ourselves some of those premium biscuits you were talking about? they sounded positively delightful…”

Tags: discordian, occult, philosophica majestus