a visit to ikea

use soap!

“Like everyone else, I had become a slave to the IKEA nesting instinct. If I saw something like clever coffee table sin the shape of a yin and yang, I had to have it. I would flip through catalogs and wonder, “What kind of dining set defines me as a person?” We used to read pornography. Now it was the Horchow Collection. I had it all. Even the glass dishes with tiny bubbles and imperfections, proof they were crafted by the honest, simple, hard-working indigenous peoples of wherever.”

when i think of ikea, i think of fight club.

i can’t help it. it’s my generation. at first thought, this seems absurd. it seems ridiculous to marry the thought of fight club to ikea, despite the infamous ikea quote. but, on further reflection, it is incredibly apt. the only other book i could closely squeeze into my ikea nightmare would be ballard’s kingdom come, but there you go.

i was thinking about these things as i wandered through the evil consumerist maze that is ikea. it has one entry and one exit, and no straight lines along a grey path with arrows to lead you toward impending doom or, if you’re very lucky, the cashiers who guard the exits. there are people browsing ikea who look like they’ve been there forever. i kept waiting for the zombies to peek out from behind the slim designs with their putrid noses and say, “man, do you know the way out? i’ve been tryin’, oh lordy i’ve been tryin’…”

my wife couldn’t help it. she was absorbed in the little things which looked just so useful, but we know will probably only ever get used once. that’s the thing about ikea gadgets. ooh, they look so handy, and we really NEED one of those, but we might only ever use it once every second september.

this time, though, we were searching for a wardrobe. our new apartment is ancient, so doesn’t possess a walk-in robe which has saved me from having to buy one for my whole renting life. we looked at many wardrobes, some of which were clearly designed as props for swedish porn movies, and other which belonged in a morgue. we settled on one which looked like it might border the two, but at least had enough space inside, and went for the exit.

about an hour later, we found it.

i cannot express the weight of these slabs which i had to manhandle onto a trolley, but anyone buying from ikea knows what i’m talking about. the actual purchasing process is where you suddenly realise you’ve just been sucked in when you thought you were getting sucked off. we got to the cashier and was brightly pointed toward a delivery service who clearly enjoyed the bug-eyed look on our faces when announcing the delivery fee. alas, we had no option, and felt like it’s little wonder ikea’s furniture belongs in pornflicks as evidently we were being shafted in public. a quick check revealed many hidden cameras getting a good view from all angles, and i expect to see us on youlube as soon as they’ve uploaded us.

that’s also when we made probably the biggest mistake of the night.

my wife mentioned she was hungry, and decided to try the ikea foodcourt.

i knew it was a mistake.

i did.

but i thought she might know better than me this time, and followed.

the foodcourt is situated directly on your left as you enter, so we went through the entrance again (you can virtually see it coming, can’t you?) and we whipped into the line and got ourselves a tray.

i don’t know if you’ve ever tried ikea food, but if by chance you manage to meet the chef responsible for it, please punch him full in the face for me, then give him a few sharp kicks to the ribs and spleen, because that shifty fucker is obviously attempting to give the entire planet food poisoning. what the hell was wrong with those chips? and the fish? was that really fish? what the hell was i thinking? and the cake! what was it? i couldn’t figure out what it was. the icing was like settled fat – no flavour, just a kind of rubbery fatty texture. the cake itself had almonds in it to give it texture and thank god for that because you need texture when there’s a complete absence of flavour, just to let your mouth know you have food in it. my wife tried some cake which tasted like it was made of dishwashing liquid and i thought she was just being funny until i took a bite and couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth for the rest of the night.

and then we found we couldn’t go back out the entry area as they’d blocked us off and demanded we walk all the way back through their stupid store! half an hour later…

i feel like some guy who just paid for a hooker who said she’d be right back after powdering her nose and then i’ve checked the bathroom only to find she’s done a runner.

Tags: home, ikea, ranting