creepy and hatboy – assorted moments

creepy and hatboy - heroes for a couching world.

“hi, creepy. i can’t decide what to do with my next movie. i’m completely stuck. any ideas?”
“what’s it called, george?”
“star wars seven.”
“that title’s got to go for starters. too predictable. how about going into the negatives? star wars minus 10? or the points? star wars three point one? or make it alphabetic? star was d?”
“oh, thanks. hang on. let me get a pen.”
“sure, take your time.”
“right. got it. fix the title. what about realistic dialogue this time?”
“dialogue? what do you need that for? just put in a few more explosions, give us a new colour lightsaber, and give yoda some hair. preferrably candy apple red. that’ll save you money on having to hire writers.”
“brilliant idea! anything else?”
“yeah, put more boobies in it this time.”
“right. boobies. done.”

giggling vampirella-style supermodels

they’re like a wave of something wet and wild.
i’m surfing on a scene of pure peach and strawberry slushy delightfulness.
they’re wearing mambo shirts. loud shirts, just like mine. they wave to me, and i wave back.
“it’s never too late to water-ski!” one shouts.
another beckons me closer, her fanged mouth of creepy blood-sucky dripping red stuff into her coconut. “hey, creepy, wanna taste of my melon drink?”
i tell her i would like that very much, but before i get the chance to take a sip, drackenstein’s doorbell wakes me from my sleep and i fall from my bed into the dirty sock pile.
racing to the window, i fling it wide open and scream, “damn you, drackenstein! i’m going to tell amway where you live! you hear me? where you live!”

moments missed and wraith-filled mists

i sit on my window ledge and watch the subtle mist crawl across the road in front of our garden.
a few wraiths flick through the humid air to drackenstein’s front doorbell. they ring it and i can hear the awful groan which announces their presence.
behind me, my new bedroom television plays a vampire film.
the vampire bites and there’s some gratuitous squirming.
i’d like to watch, but drackenstein stands at his front door.
i raise the crossbow and aim at his heart.
i could do it.
i could take him down.
we wouldn’t need to raid his basement then.
we could just forget about him right here and now.
i sigh as he closes the door. the wraiths wander back into the mists.
behind me, the movie gets to the good bit.

the mayor’s frantic answering machine messages

“hello? hello? is anyone there? i really need help regarding the attacks on my donuts! remember those? they’re still happening. call me back!”
*beep*
“hello? where are you two? are you out finding the evil villain who’s been blowing up my jammies? i hope so! i really need re-election, you know.”
*beep*
“hey! why don’t you answer your messages!? this is getting silly!”
*beep*
“creepy? you there? pick up the damn phone, i need to find out what’s happening with my jammies!”
*beep*
“aaaaaaaaargh! he killed another of my jammies!”
*beep*

Tags: creepy and hatboy, star wars