cheerleader ninjas – star trek + voltron + cheerleaders = awesome

this was one of the craziest movies i ever reviewed, and had real personality. i was once tentatively offered a chance to perhaps help with voicing a commentary for it, but unfortunately i stopped reviewing movies not long after and nothing came of it. a shame – i would have enjoyed it.

quotes from the film

“Today’s discussion is How to Run a Death Camp . . . For Cheerleaders!”

“We’re on a diplomatic mission!”

“Who are you? Marsha Brady?”

“How can you tell they’re cheerleaders if they’re all naked?”

I received this film today in the mail, and the first thing I did was run outside, waving the film in the air like some totem to dark and pagan godettes. Naturally those godettes all have nice bosoms.

And, thinking of nice bosoms, I returned inside and eagerly unwrapped the rest of the gifts which came with the movie, including a cdrom of flick pics and an intro letter all for me! Yay! But, better than all this glue, came Cheerleader Ninjas: the Production Information Handbook, from which I’ll no doubt steal a whole bunch from because I’m basically a talentless hack and hell, when they give me talented stuff, I never let them get away with it!

So, after ringing around and finding everyone busy or not answering their phones, or out of the country (hello, Chucky and Janica), I decided to hold a personal and very private screening of this delightfully titled Monster of a Film.

And it is, you know.

A Monster.

But we’ll get to that in a minute. For now, let us continue our pre-review ramblings.

There is in the industry of Exploitation flicks, a tendency to move strictly into the realms of Softcore pornography with little or no regard for humour value. Often a film will not bother with any ‘exploitation conventions and will merely make up for this with plenty of softcore instead and hope that just about wraps it up. Luckily, there are still some folks out there who shiver at the memories of such gallant films as Assault of the Killer Bimbos, which is a Couchy favourite. Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000 and Kinky Coaches and the Pom Pom Pussycats also gets a gratuitous mention.

So, what made us want to review this film so specially? Well, after being asked so nicely, how could we refuse? Not only that, we were lured by the call of their webpage, which they said would contain all the necessary info we would need to accept a screener! And guess what? They were right! We went, we drooled, we begged for screener!

My coke god, what is the world coming to when people listen to our pleas!!!????

Ahem.

In any case, I sat down tonight to forget my current lack of funding, total discord in my sexlife, and a complete and utter regret for a lost childhood and decided I would grind beneath my heels this movie which was so kindly sent to me in a smily box of doom! No, I would not be swayed by its promises of cheerleader nasties! I would not let myself be caught in a web of Catholic Schoolgirl charms! No way! I’m a professional!

So, I professionally sat with my potato chips, my Choc Milk and my 100% all natural licorice sticks and prepared to do battle with the evil little film from hell.

Unfortunately, I lost.

Cheerleader Ninjas is one hell of a title. I mean, let’s face it, it’s one of the best. Short, and quite frankly, to the point. Cheerleader Ninjas. I mean, think about it. What’s the film promising? A coachload of homicidal maniacs in raincoats? No way.

It’s offering Cheerleader Ninjas.

Wanna know something?

It delivers.

Wanna know something else?

There’s more.

For example, the buck don’t stop there. Catholic Schoolgirl Ninjas.

Yep. You heard me right. Catholic Schoolgirl Ninjas.

I mean, just what the hell were the filmmakers thinking? I could tell you, I have their Production Information Handbook (which is a piece of pure unadulterated brilliance might I add), and it has plenty of reasons, but they all added up to, “Screw it! Bring on the cheerleaders!”

Now, isn’t that an attitude you could weep a thousand tears over? That kind of devotion to purity is the kind of devotion which turns men into monks or porn stars, whichever, uh, cums first.

Sorry for that.

Had to be said.

Anyway. You’re probably wondering what on earth the film’s all about. Well, simply put, it’s about these nerds and some cheerleaders, and, like, the cheerleaders are attacked by a bunch of catholic schoolgirls and they have some fight scenes, and the nerds accidently give the schoolgirls (after a very powerful and dramatic torture scene which really made me feel for those poor nerds. They didn’t deserve that kind of evil treatment! Damn those schoolgirls! Damn them to hell!) some program which will cripple the internet, only the prog gets turned into a zombie slave virus and the cheerleaders have to save the world but the schoolgirls morph into a powerful Magazord! Wow! A Megazord! So, the nerds help the cheerleaders turn into a Megazord and the two Megazords do battle with giant, um, dildos, and the world gets saved, but in the end we learn some stuff all about ourselves and finally learn that blind chicks are hell cool. Yeah.

Whew.

Sum it up?

No!

For example, I didn’t tell you about Hampster Cam! Now, Hamster Cam is the most important special effects device available, and as such you will no doubt see Stevie Shpielburger using it in his next film. I mean, all Stevie does is cruise the Indie circuit looking for trends to steal. Wow. Black and White film? How original, Stevie. No one ever thought of doing that.

But back to the cheerleaders. Zip. Thwack Whack. Squick…

Hamster Cam! Yes, the art of very low camera angles, looking up those oh-too-short skirts all the girls wear! The fight sequences, thanks to Hamster Cam, are absosmurfly awesome! Fantastic choreaography and a total dedication to getting just the right camera shot, preferrably any of them showing panties.

But the film’s not 100% panties. Maybe only 90%. Okay, you got me. It’s 99% panties. But from the opening credits, which are pure genius might I add, the film is a bizarre display of wit and wisdom as no stone is left unturned in search of a cheap joke. Star Trek humour is in total abundance, and all the geeks know their terms, man. Check out their panic modes, and giggle yourself stupid at the couch they use in front of their computer, and while you’re chortling you should probably be aware that there’s more than one reason we’re the Couch of Doom!

Kira Reed guest stars in this little flick, and fans of hers will no doubt be rolling around already, but those who aren’t fans will be, once they see her scenes in this flick. Beginning with being the subject of a remote control for a lovedoll, whereupon she shows all her cheering skills (I’m convinced), to her part in the infamous mustard-masturbation scene, and the lesbian schoolgirl spanking dream, she shows her talents are in true gleaming shiny form that will no doubt haunt you for years.

Hell, I’m already typing up my letter offering to be her personal grooming attendant.

Not only is Kira here, but we’ve also got the totally cute as a bunny Renee Deemer, a true blue Miami Dolphins Cheerleader who will leave you in stitches. But don’t stand too close to anything plugged into electricity, because your drool will kill you! What a performance. Her line about invisibility powers and mutant turtles during her “ninja training” will slay you! It certainly made me lose my jaw.

There’s too much stuff in this film. It’s one gag after another, one moment of hilarity after the other, and gratuitous chortle after gratuitous chortle as the movie delves deep into the secrets of Hamster Cam. I’m still waiting for the website “Hamster Cam – The Unseen Footage.”

What else? Oh yes, Alissa Shanley was another personal favourite, and she looked very nice as leader of the schoolgirls. I like schoolgirls. Can you tell?

Also, Jeff Nicholson played his part to manic melodrama so well he had me giggling off the couch. The guy’s a nutcase. He overdoes the melodrama to the nth degree, and thus creates a truly whiny and somewhat pathetic little man you will grow to chortle at.

I mentioned the geek-torture scene, and I’m going to mention it again. This whole scene was pure plastic, people. It was hilarious, and I’m going to have to put it down as one of my favourites of the film. Followed closely by a pogo-stick getaway scene which will leave you with tears on your face at the sheer magnitude of the gratuitous steps taken in this film.

Indeed, Kevin Campbell has done an absolutely smashing job on this one. I have managed to babble through a review because I didn’t have much time to write down notes. I mean, the movie just drags you along with it, drooling all the way! It’s hypnotic, it’s embryonic, it’s gosh-darned lunatic!

The thousand and one last minute plot points. The “Last Night I Stayed Home and Masturbated” song. The upskirt shots with Hamster Cam. The other upskirt shots during the fight scenes. The totally jiggly gratuitous scene where boobies are bounced for no reason other than to bounce a boobie. The endless schoolgirl cheerleader outfits. Heather’s shoes. Megazord’s awesome special effects. The X-Wing fighter and Megazord Satan’s Schoolgirls doing, ooh, unmentionable stuff to Picard’s Enterprise. And the bizarre Yappy Gay Attack Dog!

So much to mention!

I loved this film, I really did. For pure cheese, it weighs in at an almighty Fifty Tonnes. It may have plenty of gratuitous, but that’s wha exploitation’s all about. With digs at everything from Geek Subculture to Stereotypical Sex Idols, this film’s one you cannot live without seeing.

Incidently, I read another review online which said, “Lloyd Kaufman need not worry about his market niche.”

That’s a totally unfair comparison, and the reviewer needed his brain read. To compare films such as this with Troma releases, shows a complete lack of respect for the low-budget film industry. It’s also fairly elitist and definitely panders to the mainstream popularity of Troma films, primarily to the success of their logo. It’s interesting that people will put up with ‘mock low-budget’ simply for the word “Troma” or “Kaufman” attatched to them, but will bag films which really are low budget, simply because they don’t share similar logos and commercial success.

That pretty much defeats the purpose of enjoying the b-grade low-budget independant films we so love, doesn’t it?

Pull your head out, sir.

If you’re searching for messages and deep inner meaning, there’s plenty in this film, and I was too stupid to get any of them. But I did get the geek humour, and that saddens me to admit. I mean, I felt all nostalgic. Where’s my geek shirt?

I think I’m going to go to bed now. I’m going to think about taking a remote control and a bottle of mustard.

You’ll enjoy this film, people. I promise you will. If you don’t, I’ll give you your brain back.

~~~
hehe. i was enthusiastic about this film, i recall. it really was like that, too. such a blast to watch. you’d expect it to be some kind of softcore porno, but it’s not. it’s a genuinely funny mockery of a movie. brilliant stuff, and to this day it’s a warm place in my heart that belongs to cheerleader ninjas.

visit the official site if you dare, to see the latest news regarding their attempt to get a computer game happening…

Tags: b-grade, cheerleaders, movie reviews, ninjas, review