creepy and hatboy – king of the rings

creepy and hatboy - heroes for a couching world.

gorthaur appeared in our couchroom today.
he was a gaunt-faced little man dressed entirely in black. he had a black leather gimpmask on, and he gripped a huge stone in one fist and a sack in the other. the sack looked heavy, but then so did the stone.
“beware!” he hissed. “for i am evil!”
hatboy sighed at the little man. “you’re in front of the television,” he told gorthaur. “and jennifer lopez’s on.”
gorthaur glanced over his shoulder at the television. “ooh!” he quickly squatted down to one side and stared dreamily at the screen. “i didn’t hear the television. sorry.”
“we turn the volume off when jen’s on,” i said. “it’s not like we like her music or anything. besides, we were just discussing your problem.”
gorthaur turned to us, a look of hope on his distorted face. he pulled the gimpmask from his face. he looked a little geeky but we pretended not to notice. “really? you think you can somehow make my power stuff lighter?”
hatboy shrugged. “i dunno that we can make it any lighter, but creepy had a good idea.”
“rings,” i told the little guy.
“rings?”
i sipped my coke and tried to look wise. hatboy tried not to giggle. “yes,” i said. “rings.”

rings

“you see, gorthaur,” i said. “it’s one thing for them to be really heavy, but if you made them really small and easier to carry, then the burden wouldn’t feel so bad!”
gorthaur frowned. “i don’t know. i think i’d prefer them to be lighter.”
hatboy grinned at me. “see? i told you he wouldn’t go for it.”
“besides,” gorthaur whined. “rings are for girls and men of questionable sexual preference. i don’t want to come off like that.” he stood up to his full four feet and thrust his chest out like some kind of rooster. “i want to rule the universe!”
“look, gorthaur. rings aren’t for sissies alone. rappers wear them. so do boybands. you could get them made properly, and they’d look extremely manly, i promise. you know, i wear a ring, sometimes. i mean, sure, it’s a penrith panthers supporter’s ring, but it’s still a ring! it’s gold and all. looks very pretty. it’s my most precious possession.”
“precious?” gorthaur brightened. “well, if you think a ring could be precious, i’ll give it a go.”
he stood up and prepared to leave, casting only a small farewell glance at jennifer lopez strutting her magic stuff across our screens. “i’ve got to get one of those,” he said. “i’m so sick of elf chicks.”
we attempted to look sympathetic and failed.
“oh, gorthaur?” i snapped my fingers, remembering the last part. “you should probably think about making yourself look a little bigger. i mean, bad is bad, and michael jackson may be able to say he’s bad, but we think conan looks badder, okay?”
“you think i should change bodies again?”
“definitely. you should get something that looks, well, looks cruel, i guess.”
“what? you don’t think i look cruel?”
hatboy chuckled. “only in the same way as woody allen does.”

of woody allen and the awards

gorthaur took all we said into consideration and hefted his sack of rocks. “well, i thank you both, my most favourite friends. i go now to create the rings of power! with them, i will conquer the universe! i shall be the king of the rings!”
“uh, gorthaur?”
“yes?”
“we think it should be lord. king sounds kind of silly and smacks too much of elvis imperonators.”
after some argument, gorthaur agreed and left, promising to return for friday’s video night of ninja nasties.
when he’d gone, hatboy dug into his pocket for some chocolate eclairs. “i never thought you could do it, creepy. fancy that, getting gorthaur the cruel to wear rings. he’ll look like a sissy. now he’ll definitely go to the bad guy convention and get voted sissy of the year and you will win the coveted good guy award for humiliating a bad guy.”
“again? well, it’s a burden i must bear.”
“you bear it well. it’s a pity you never win best-dressed good guy of the year, yeah?”
i ignored this reference to hatboy’s own closet-full of awards. “hey, with gorthaur and his preference for bodies, do you think he’d go for an arnie conan, or conan o’brien conan?”
hatboy shuddered. “best not to think about it, really.”

Tags: creepy and hatboy, elves, lord of the rings