creepy and hatboy – the joy of golf

creepy and hatboy - heroes for a couching world.

he adjusts his sporran.
he lifts his finger to his tongue and wets the tip, holds it to the breeze and squints at the treeline.
using a pair of scissors which jut out from the handle of his golf club, he snips the top off a bag of minties and unwraps one. stuffing his mouth with chewy mintie goodness, he looks down at the little white ball sitting on its wooden perch and grins at it.
“you’re going places,” he tells it. “caddy?”
i look up from where i’ve been sitting for the last half hour while he completes his ritual. apparently i’m the caddy.
whatever that is.
he said a caddy carries his stuff. i told him he could carry his own stuff. he said i was ruining his golf. i told him i’d ruin his existence if he tried getting me to carry anything. he said i already ruined his existence.
i had to give him that.
“what?”
“you think a nine iron, or a seven copper?”
“hatboy, i think you’re mad.”
“the copper it is, then.”

hatboy golfs

with a vulgar display of bright yellow socks, he waddles on the spot, pulling out an accessory from his swiss army golf club.
“no, that’s the two silver,” he grunts and pushes it back into the handle. “ah, here we go.”
ready, he sets his sights on the ball.
pulls back the club and prepares to strike.
swings, and misses.
pulls back and prepares to strike.
swings and misses.
prepares.
swings.
misses.
picks up the ball and throws it as far as he can.
gives a whoop of joy.
“look, creepy! a hole in one!”
i tell him i don’t think getting the ball into the course’s pond counts.
“spoilsport.”

back to the clubhouse

he mutters to himself, stuffing his swiss army golf club into his belt. “stupid game.”
“what did you expect?”
“well, i thought it’d be exciting!”
“and why did you think that?”
“the clubs, creepy! look! you hit stuff with them! i was sure it’d be fun! and with my swiss army golf club, i’d have all the clubs in one club, if you know what i mean.”
“not really. i thought it looked silly.”
“cheer up, or i’ll staplegun your lips into a smile.”
“just you try it and see what happens to your sporran.”
hatboy sighed. “stupid game.”
“you should know by now not to trust any game which doesn’t have cheerleaders.”

Tags: creepy and hatboy, golf