planet of the werewolves

bitey!

“You’re such a hyena.”

“This isn’t an old horror film.”

“Where the Hell am I going to find a vampire?”

“Just stop squirting me with that Godpiss.”

The most dubious thing about living in Australia and getting movies sent to us from all over the world is that we are always subject to the whims of lonely Customs Officers who live their desperate lives in hope they might one day unwrap a small package and find – holy of holies – a video they can confiscate gleefully from its rightful recipient.

It could be porn. It could be porn. And, if none of these, it could very well be something mildly pornographic. Luckily, this covers nothing we get sent. Or, perhaps, unluckily. In any case, the unfulfilled lives of natural Nosey Parkers (from hereon referred to as Agents of a Fascist Dictatorship Known as Free Democratic Capitalist Christian Moral Righteous Knights in Shining Spandex, or Voyeurs for short), were suddenly lifted in anticipation when they caught sight of a certain package wrapped in brown paper, addressed to one Couch of Doom.

“Ho ho ho!” cried our heroic Voyeur, readying up the bottle of lubricant and an item of his lunch which will no doubt remain nameless, “Wot ‘ave we ‘ere then, mate?”

Alas! It was not the Euro Teeny Porn he was hoping for. It was instead a marvellous piece of B-Grade Genius sent by one Kevin Lindenmuth who is both a Gentleman and a Scholar.

Frustrated, our Voyeur hissed and cursed as he rewrapped the package he had shredded so swiftly in order to examine what he had hoped would be something distinctly tasteless. The amount of packing tape he had
to use would have packed at least forty such packages. Tacking on a notice of examination, he went on to unwrap several hundred more packages, damaging as many as he could in the process. That would serve these people right for not being perverts.

In the meantime, the Couch of Doom eagerly awaited this fresh new addition to its singularly lacking Werewolf collection.

Gathering at the Couch of Doom headquarters, we assembled a polite amount of Corn Chips, Coca Cola, Bourbon Bean Vanilla Ice Cream of the finest quality, a few packets of ANZAC Cookies, and a healthy bucket of freshly popped popcorny goodness.

Sitting around, we readied ourselves for some serious viewing.

“Werewolves?” St. Alia asked with a groan. “You told me it was a vampire film.”

“I never lie,” I – the Great and Awesome Creature known as Mister C – said. “Just watch this space…”

I don’t know why, but werewolf movies are extremely hit and miss. It seems, perhaps, that vampires have a firm base on which filmmakers may plunder, whereas werewolves kind of mill about in a world which lacks any truly definitive role in the Literary world, thus the werewolf has missed out on the romanticism of its myth. Vampires, for example, have become sexual creatures, and as such are highly appealing to most. Even demons have some level of credibility in the horror world, and manmade monsters gained much from Frankenstein. But what of the werewolf? Oh, the potential is great, surely, but it labours under the problematic history of being little more than a mindless beast at the best of times, and most werewolves in cinema tend to be little more than hairy recreations of The Incredible Hulk.

It is, then, a common Couch of Doom saying that there is no such thing as a decent werewolf movie. Even The Howling did nothing for us. And, while Jack Nicholson made an awesome werewolf, his movie Wolf did little more than attempt to make the wolf a bit more romantic and appealing to a wider mainstream audience. So, where does that leave Planet of the Werewolves (aka Rage of the Werewolf), and indeed the rest of Mister Lindenmuth’s Werewolf series?

Well, what struck me about Planet of the Werewolves is that it truly attempted to more or less expand on the werewolf myth. Keven Lindenmuth and Santo Marotta seriously try to provide some fresh elements on the werewolf, while staying true to several of the traditional elements. For example, the central character, played by Marotta, is a traditional werewolf in the sense that he is cursed with his ailment, however he may change into his werewolf form at will, whereas the latest species of werewolf, brought about by a global catastrophe, are only able to change during the full moon. This itself caused several interesting ideas to flit about the movie, in that we have two obvious types of werewolf, one possibly more superior than others. And this superiority of blood and power is a common theme it seems in Lindenmuth’s Werewolf series from what we’ve seen.

I’ve read heaps of reviews for this film, and I must say that the single element which is often used against the film is its notorious werewolf costumes. Well, I’m going to have to say something here about them. Yes, they’re pretty bloody awful – at the end. In fact, the first few times you see our werewolves (we’re reliably informed that Santo Marotta did his own make-up on these early transformations), were actually very good, and we were wondering what the fuss was all about, when about halfway through a full-werewolf change took place. And, man, they’re pretty bad, I have to agree.

However, and I really must stress this point, the genuine attempt by this film to give you something a little outside the norm for a werewolf film is absolutely worth the cost of tracking this one down. It’s a sad state of affairs in the low budget world, that most people can’t afford to hire the guys who work on Hollywood blockbusters, so many have to resort to doing what they can with the materials available. So, please, don’t let this negative propaganda, spread about no doubt by people who find themselves talking in high snobby
voices about just how much Nightmare on Elm Street was so original and absolutely the most brilliant horror film they’ve ever seen, and why don’t they make horror like that any more? Bah. Useless gits and their goth outfits. I bet they bought a copy of Jason X from Blockbuster.

Anyway, the film began with an absolutely giggly first transformation – which is not quite a transformation – and those of us staff members lucky enough to fit into my couchroom, were treated to a whole round of belly chuckles at that one. The inept redneck bounty hunters scored a bucket of sneery points, and from thereon in, we were treated to a lovely story full of political intrigue, twisty plots, uneasy flashbacks, mutants, and even vampires!

Yes, Debbie Rochon pops up as a snarly little vampire – and wow isn’t she awesome at it?

Santo Marotta does a beautiful job, and was perfectly cast as a werewolf. The guy absolutely looked the part.

The highlight of the film was a moment when a mad doctor, busily trying to work on a potion to cure his daughter from the werewolf madness, seemingly concocts the antidote to her disease and tries it out on her – with absosmurfly hilarious results. The baby werewolf gave us a giggle, too.

Last on the list of funnies was a bum, squatting on a stair, with a sign which read “Will Work for Human Flesh.”

Giggles.

The story took on bits of Escape from New York, and had an apocalyptic feel to it which was enhanced by some gorgeous scenery and choices for backdrops. The sense of the world gone mad and abandoning the city to the werewolves was perfectly done, and the empty areas used to film the movie were delightful, something to appease those of us who love abandoned factories and warehouses, underground sewer systems and disused buildings.

The plot twists at the end involving vampire and werewolf were cunning and nicely thought out, and we were left with a malicious tingle in our marrow as we wondered what our healthy Vampire babe would do with this particular bit of freshly discovered information. Something dastardly, we’d hope.

The movie is fun, and deliciously done, with no real negatives to offer. The cast are dedicated and they do their job well, despite the awful suits. The lighting was nifty, and the overall feel of the film was black and humourous. Even St. Alia Von had nothing bad to say about this one, and that’s a first, believe me.

So, basically, if you’re after a Hollywood special effects thing, go down to your local video store and rent Titanic. That’s more up your alley. But if you want to see something gritty, something fun, something which challenges and toys with the werewolf genre, then get this one out. It’s the perfect introduction to Lindenmuth’s range of movies which concentrate on plots of a wider scope than the norm.

the official site for brimstone media is at:
http://www.lindenmuth.com
and the site for the movie, planet of the werewolves is at:
http://www.lindenmuth.com/movie_potw.shtml

ADDITIONAL
these days, everyone’s out to make a book with werewolves and vampires in it. twilight. ick. what more can i say?

i have to say, though, that this movie really did combine them quite well. i enjoyed it. mind you, i enjoyed underworld, too. so, sue me.

at the time, we were reliably informed that a mix-up with the costumed meant the poor guys were actually stuck with the dodgy costumes they hadn’t really wanted. it was a case of being forced to use secondclass because firstclass had not come to the party. that was a deep shame, but try not to let special effects dictate the worth of a movie. leave that to the zombies who feed on gossip columns.

***britney posters aren’t cool, people. you don’t listen to music with your EYES! you make me sick.

Tags: b-grade, couch of doom, movie reviews, review, scifi, vampire, vampires, werewolves