creepy and hatboy – the beldiniad

my apologies to david eddings, but it had to be done. i couldn’t help myself…

creepy and hatboy - heroes for a couching world.

the gods paused in their workings, and lo, they did grin.
“this is wicked,” one of them spaked. “hey, did you see the dragons i just made?”
“they’re a little wobbly, torak. and you made two males and only one female. don’t you think that’s going to be a little awkward come breeding time?”
“you’re just jealous because you didn’t think of dragons first!” the pretty god growlethed. “anyway, i made a race of dudes as well. i made more than a thousand of each type. men and chicks.”
“three thousand? don’t you think that’s a bit mucheth?”
“well, they don’t get along well with each othereth. best to be on the safeth side. and i made this slippy black sword, too! and all you’ve managed to make is some dumb rocketh!”
“it’s not a rock, torak,” the elderly-looking god proclaimed. “it’s an orb.”
“so? it’s not like you’ve even got any followerseth!”
“i will haveth! one day.”
“when? when they dropeth out of the bloody sky …?”
it was at that moment that three terribly unlikely-looking apostles did indeed falleth from the sky.
eth.

two moons and a planetoid

“creepy!” hatboy spat, siezing me by the throat to give me a damn good shaking. “why the hell do you keep doing that? can’t you make it set us down on the ground?”
“we are on the ground,” i told him between squeezes.
ninjagirl tapped him on the shoulder. “uh, hatboy?”
“what? can’t you see i’m busy wringing this moron’s neck?”
“can it wait? i mean, i think we’ve got some witnesses.”
he let me go with a yelp. “witnesses?”
the two gods stood above us. the pretty one turned to the old one and said, “i’ll bet you two moons and a planetoid that you can’t turn these three stooges into apostles.”
the old one grunted. “i’ll take that bet, brother mine.”
“good. and, seeing as how there’s no hope of your succeeding, i’ll just nab this rock until you pay up.” then he snatched the orb with a gleeful “yoinketh,” and was gone.
aldur looked down at us and sighed. “dang. eth.”

apostles

the old god sat on the ground and looked miserable. “come on. please? it’s only for a few thousand years or so. just until i get my orb back.”
“a few thousand years!?” hatboy blinked. “we’d be dead in a hundred!”
“oh, don’t worry about that,” he said, waving his withered hand. “i can fix everything. you won’t feel a thing.”
“no way. i’m not getting wrinkly.”
ninjagirl smirked at him. “you’d definitely need to grow a beard,” she said.
he ignored her.
“i’ll give you magic powers,” aldur promised. “and towers. you can have a tower each in my vale.”
“i don’t need no stupid tower,” ninjagirl said.
“we’ll do it,” i volunteered ourselves.
hatboy and ninjagirl glared at me.
“think about it,” i told them. “we can run about the place turning people into stuff and generally mucking about for a few thousand years.”
“but i need you to get back my rock!” aldur whined.
“i thought you said it was an orb.”
“it is!”
“then say what you mean. no, i reckon if we hang about for a few thousand years, someone’ll show up who we can talk into getting the rock for us.”
“you mean we just laze about in taverns and the like, waiting for someone else to do the dirty work?” hatboy grinned. “it’s a good plan. i like it.”
“naturally,” i said. “it’s the couch potato way.”

seven thousand or so years later

“that’s it. we got the rock, found the god, and saved the world. can we leave now?”
i grinned at my super-sidekick. “i guess so. the green whirly-whirly’s in my tower.”
“won’t we have to go past vella?”
“it’s okay,” i said. “i have a plan.”
hatboy squinted at a hill in the distance. “hey, isn’t that ninjagirl?”
“i think so.”
“move!” she screamed as she ran. “let’s get the hell out of here!”
“why? what’s the rush?”
“that bloody fool of a husband’s after me!”
we ran. we knew better than to grin about it, too.

a lucky escape

when we made it to my tower, i kicked the door open and charged inside. “quick, it’s in here.”
“beldin, honey? is that you?”
ninjagirl dived into the whirly green light.
hatboy paused at its opening. “is that vella?” he asked. “maybe we should say hello. tea and biscuits, you know.”
“shut up,” i hissed. “and get in!”
“no, really, creepy. we should always be polite. she’s not that bad, is she?”
“chains, whips, and leather straps, hatboy. she loves them all.”
“oh dear. you sure you don’t want to say hello to her? one last flogging?”
“belgarath? are you down there, too?”
hatboy looked at me. “who’s that? is that who it sounds like?”
i grinned. “your wife? why, yes, as a matter of fact, i did mention something to vella about how i thought poledra would love a bit of training in the art of nipple gripple.”
“belgarath? i got a spikey toy up here with your name on it, sweetie!”
he grabbed my shirt and said, “we’re going to talk about this one day.”
“yes, oh mighty sorcerer,” i grinned, and pushed him through.

the bellringer

this time we landed fairly gently in an ocean of sand.
hatboy helped me to my feet. “i don’t know what possessed you to run around looking like the hunchback of notre dame for all those years.”
“i thought it appropriate,” i said.
hatboy thought about it for a second, then began to chortle. “oh, great coke god,” he giggled. “i never thought of that one.”
ninjagirl stared at us. “i’m not really sure if i want the full answer, but i’ll ask it anyway. what the hell are you two on about?”
“he’s beldin,” hatboy pointed.
“and he’s belgarath,” i said, pointing back.
“so?”
“don’t forget belgarion!” hatboy cried. “and belzedar!”
ninjagirl pulled out her sword and pointed it at my head. “creepy! you will tell now!”
“well, what with all those bels running about…”

Tags: creepy and hatboy, fantasy, humour, library, scifi, writing