creepy and hatboy – csi creepy

csi: creepy – intro

“creepy?”
“hatboy?”
“this is no time for games, creepy. answer the question.”
“what question?”
“creepy?”
“yes?”
“stop answering a question with a question.”
“but my name is not a question!”
“good point, well spotted. now answer the question!”
“no, i didn’t eat the last packet of spicy yum yum noodles.”

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would you like to travel?
on a bus?
on a plane?
in the company of bikin-clad chicks?
eat at mcdonalds.
drink on the beach, spew in the sand. chat to tourists with big boobs who can’t speak a word of english.
would you like a free set of steak knives with that burger?
stay free. carefree. now you can run, jump, and mmm, be healthy.
tomorrow night: bingo.

csi: creepy – part 1

“if it wasn’t you, then who was it?”
“nerds?”
“creepy, you always blame nerds! remember when we lost the tv guide? you blamed nerds. and who did you blame when my garfield books went missing only to be found in your bookshelves?”
“nerds.”
“nerds. but not this time, my super-sidekick. no. this time, you will investigate, or i’ll bring in the internal squad who’ll rummage through your belongings until i get back my breakfast!”
“well, if it wasn’t nerds, then i can’t see who did it. what am i? a noodle-psychic?”
“no, you’re just a normal sidekick. now, investigate!”

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want to go fishing for dogfish?
suck on this tinny, mate!
mate?
mate!
mate?
dial emergency number for free pizza delivery (only in special locales), and get your bonus copy of dodgy hollywood tripe.
purchase now and delay payment for six days, at only four hundred per cent interest if you’re interested.
stay free. carefree. do all those things you want to do.
stay smiley.
fish.
mate?
maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate.

csi: creepy – part 2

i entered the crime scene, taping it off with some good ol’ gaffa. helps keep those pesky public people out of the area of total devastation.
i took a few photos, to keep as evidence, and drew a chalk line around the victim.
or what was left of it.
wincing at the complete disregard our perp had for noodle lifeforms, i had to fight the rising bile as i bagged bits and pieces of what once was a happy packet of noodles.
i tried to imagine how it felt as it was ravaged with a cold-hearted disregard for life. i couldn’t begin to think how it must’ve felt as it was torn, noodle from noodle, before being forcibly drowned in boiling water.
topped with spicy sauce.
served in a bowl.
picked at with chopsticks.
i looked up at my stricken super-sidekick.
“i’ve never seen anything like it,” i told him. “it goes beyond psychopathic. i think we’re dealing with a true monster, hatboy. maybe even dracula himself.”
“did you find any evidence, creepy?”
“i’ve found a few crumbs. a possible partial bitemark. and there’s this scuff mark right here which might be helpful,” i pointed at the empty pot. “i think this was the murder weapon.”
he covered his eyes with a gasp. “put it away, creepy! wash it first, but put it away! i can’t stand to see the foul weapon of noodle destruction!”
i put the pot into the sink, watching as some leftover spicy soup drained away like the echoes of a hideous murder.
“oh, the noodlemanity.”

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eat more cereal.
lots of iron and calcium deficiency. guaranteed.
fish for dog. dogfishing.
mate?
mate!
biggest chicken burger. mexican style with mild minimum taco sauce. no chilli – guaranteed.
mate?
mate!
stay free. carefree. run in the sun. skip, looking back.
are your macleans showing?

csi: creepy – part 3

the evidence was overwhelming.
i sifted through the papers.
traces of salt.
traces of sesame oil.
traces of noodle crumb.
possible fingerprint. i looked at this again under a microscope.
“see anything?” hatboy asked, trying to look over my shoulder.
“it’s a fingerprint, alright,” i said.
“will it help us to catch the perp?”
“it might,” i said. “this fingerprint has whirly lines in it.”
“my fingerprints have whirly lines in them, too.”
“then this evidence is purely circumstantial. i move that we strike it from the record.”
i squinted at the photographs. bits of noodle, scattered randomly across the kitchen floor.
right.
beside.
the.
oven!
“my god,” i said. “clue!”
“where?”
“here! written across the oven in bright red artliner! clue!”
“oh wow! how’d we miss that?”
“our minds are way too finely tuned, hatboy. we’re not expected to get these intricate clues based on some near-unknown branch of psycho-scientology stuff. but, i believe i have cracked the case! but i’ll need another packet of spicy noodle goodness!”
“but i only have one more packet, creepy!”
“what’s more important, hatboy? the search for justice? the catching of a truly evil criminal mastermind? or your possessive desire to keep your packets hoarded away in some scrooge mcduck-style vault?”
“hard call, creepy. can i think about it over an ad break?”

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mate?
mate!
here, catch another tinny, mate.
lose weight fast.
eat chemical imbalanced goodness.
fake sugar – tastes just like something else.
new mcfatty burger. get more fat rolls. guaranteed! grease up your arteries – and help the starving kids in third world countries as we donate one whole cent per burger sold to building a mcdonalds store on every bulldozed safari park.
are your macleans showing?
stay free. carefree. like liquid gets into this chalk.
like liquid soaked up in this pad.
like sponge wipes up the greasy leftovers of yesterday’s curry.
mate?
mate!
purchase now. pay later.
pay forever.

csi: creepy – part 4

“well, creepy?”
“i think i’ve found a fibre.”
“a fibre?”
“a fibre. it’s like a very small piece of stuff.”
“you mean lint? you found some lint.”
“i found some lint. i analysed it with my borg implants, and i’ve discovered some startling new evidence. you’ll be pleased to know, hatboy, that i think i now know precisely what happened to your noodles.”
“really? at last! we can bring the culprit to justice!”
“yes. but first, i’ll require another packet of your spicy noodle soup goodness.”

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i went and made some spicy noodle soup rather than sit through more beer and tampon ads.
hatboy watched, whining all the time about it being his last packet.
hatboy’s noodleburgers are universally famous. they involve noodles, burger buns, and a ton of tomato sauce. they’re decidedly evil, and in my opinion they should be banned.
in hatboy’s, they should be the basis for a new fast food chain: mcnoodles.
i carefully poured the spice packet into the boiling water, ignoring hatboy’s groan.
then i took the steaming goodness into the television room, with a few slices of bread.
hatboy scowled as i set it down on the coffee table, and prepared to show him exactly what happened…

csi: creepy – part 5

i dipped bread into spicy lava goodness. not for too long, though.
“i believe our psycho first dipped bread into the soup just like this. note the sudden release of crumbs onto the surrounding area? well, we found similar crumbs in the kitchen where your first packet was mutilated in a dastardly manner.”
i ate the soaked bread. hatboy’s scowl grew deeper.
i finished a few slices of bread, pointing out the distance between the bowl and the crumbs.
then i started on the noodles, consuming them with vigor.
“note the complete lack of noodle pieces,” i told him. “this occurs when noodles are eaten by a truly hungry individual. there’s no other explanation.”
“but what about the noodle crumbs we found?”
“ah-ha! well, if you recall, when i poured the dried noodle brick into the saucepan, some pieces fell free. i believe the evidence we found occured prior to boiling.”
i finished the noodles, and looked at the bowl, still half full with soupy goodness.
“this is the clincher, my super-sidekick pal. recall the stain in the sink? well, i’m betting that if we pour the remaining soup down the drain, a slight staining around the edge will occur if the bowl is not rinsed out in the sink after the soup-disposal has been made. i believe the culprit may have been in a hurry to dispose of his evidence, and therefore was extremely sloppy. and i know of only one evil noodle-eating individual daring enough to dispose of evidence in such a sloppy manner as to invoke an investigation and thus gain a chance to possibly pilfer the last and final packet of noodles in the house.”
“huh?” his brain ran over my last sentence a few times as i scooped up the last noodly remnants.
i held out my arms, dropped the fork and grinned. “it’s a fair cop, guv.”

Tags: creepy and hatboy, csi